Reflections from the Frontline of COVID-19: Esther Maria Roman

During the COVID-19 pandemic, the need for chaplains has come to the forefront of public conversation, as evidenced by the stories and news coverage of their care and support of hospital staff, patients, families and people all across the nation and the world. During the initial months of shelter-in-place orders in the U.S., hotspots of the virus emerged in the North East, especially in New York City. As loss and grief mounted in New York and beyond, chaplains supported those bereaved and those who care for them.

In the following reflections, chaplains from Mount Sinai Health System in New York offer their stories and perspectives from the frontlines in the hopes of helping other spiritual care providers in cities that are now surging. If you have a story you’d like to share, let us know.

The following reflections were transcribed and compiled by Juliane Ding and have been edited and condensed for clarity. You can hear audio from this interview below. This post is one of a series, also including Chaplain Kaytlin Butler, Rabbi Jo Hirschmann, Rabbi Rachel Van Thyn, and Chaplain Rachelle Zazzu.

During the time of COVID-19, the stories that have been coming out of the grief, the loss, and overwhelming power of the support of a community. Esther Maria Roman shares not only her experience with spirituality in times of strife, but the very precarious topic of heroism during these times. What truly defines a hero?

What is it like to be a chaplain during the COVID-19 pandemic?

It felt like so much was stacked against caring for each other, but we fought –and continue to–fight that good fight. I was able to continue to be physically present with non-COVID-19 patients and with staff, but unfortunately, I was only able to connect virtually with family who were restricted from visiting or with COVID-19-positive patients who were in isolation.

It was challenging. When appropriate, giving a comforting hug or holding a hand is a standard part of my work, but during this time touch felt weaponized, so while I was always physically present, I had to be so in a safe, distanced fashion.

“…people in the worst of times become more generous and in the direst times become more selfless.”

Somehow, I found that some moments in these times were even more poignant and holy. I think about times where families were so distressed because they could not physically be here to comfort their loved one, hold their hand, and feel like they can access that person that they love. Something I have worked really hard to do is to encourage families to offer their voices, their words of love, their prayers to the patients. I see this moving mountains in invisible, mysterious ways.

I try to empower families and remind them that during the short time that I have known them, I am completely convinced of their love for the patient. If that is clear to me, then there is no way that the person in that bed is not completely aware of how loved they are. I can see it and know it, can testify to it. I feel that families have really clung to that.

What did you learn about providing spiritual care during COVID-19?

I learned that people are generous. People are more selfless than we have ever given them credit for. I have lost count of how many patients’ families have been worried about me and thought about our staff, doctors, and nurses being safe. They have prayed for us and thanked us and shown graciousness and gratitude.

It is humbling and shows me that people in the worst of times become more generous and in the direst times become more selfless. It is the juxtaposition of how desperate these times are and how incredibly selfless and humble and giving and gracious people are. People are even better than we think and hope.

What would you like colleagues from around the country to know?

I would like them to be as good to themselves as they are to the people they care for, to include themselves on the list of people they care for. I would like them to know that they are not alone. Fear and hope can coexist.

We are bearing witness to each other in more than one way, we are bearing witness to each other by showing up and doing this work that we are called to do. Whether it is our colleagues or the people in our vocation with whom we interact virtually, just know we are out there. Sometimes it is just about knowing someone is out there, so I guess I’d want them to know I’m out here, thinking and praying for them.

“I can’t be prouder to be a small part of the healing that’s going on in the world.”

We are all hearing the word hero a lot and it’s a beautiful word, it’s an important word. I just want everyone to give themselves permission to have a complicated relationship with that word. Sometimes that word incites pressure, sometimes we can feel undeserving of that word, of being called a hero.

Sometimes we don’t want to do it, sometimes we snooze the alarm, sometimes we feel numb and we think that we can’t be heroes because heroes don’t feel that way. Heroes want to do it and they charge in, don’t resent it, and don’t complain. But what if they do.

What if heroes snooze the alarm, what if heroes complain, what if some days heroes don’t want to do it. What if that still means you’re a hero. What if you’re a hero because in spite of all of those things you show up and you do it and sometimes you don’t show up and don’t do it. That doesn’t disqualify you from being a hero.

What if self-care, finding rest, choosing yourself and saying yes to yourself once in a while doesn’t disqualify you from being a hero. I guess I’d want to offer that— the idea that ‘hero’ is more complicated, more beautifully dynamic and complex than the static cartoon/comic version of a hero.  I think those are the big things that stand out for me. I can’t be prouder to be a small part of the healing that’s going on in the world.

I’m proud, humbled, scared, and grateful. I give myself permission to be all of those things. I hope people give themselves permission— chaplains and doctors and nurses and all of us give ourselves permission to let feelings coexist and not feel that they’re at odds but instead roommates. Thank you for listening. Always here.

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